Everyone loves to spray

Today, it has been raining from the moment it started to the moment it did not stop. And so, yours truly was stuck. And there is a customer waiting for us since my Tech could not make it in time. The idea of me running 200 meters to the car in heavy rain is not a good one. Imagine the environmental impact to the office towers and its surrounding area caused by a 6.8 quake from a fat Engineer and doing a Marathon with all his equipment.

And so, my Boss came up with a better idea of having a nice cup of 30 minute coffee. I call it 30 minute coffee because it took that long to have the order go from the girl manning (?) the mop to the waiter to the drink maker and to the rest of the staff who did not seem the have a clue on how to make a nice cup of coffee and carry it 20 feet to a table without spilling a single drop.

While trying to resist the urge to die from dehydration, I diverted my attention to some yellow posters from a nearby shop, which sells pepper sprays. The poster claims that the pepper sprays are hot. Maybe its selling fast or its supposed to induce extreme temperature changes but its definitely hot.

And below the title, were the sales pitch which spews the benefits of having a pepper spray. But I wonder how it can protect you from Road Hogs. So, after thinking much about it, there were definitely some Pros and Cons on using the spray. Either that or my coffee ran out, leaving me to use my own imaginations:

1) Frontal assault
Action:Speed past the road hog and then trick them into winding down the window.
Result: If they're driving a Proton Waja, you're out of luck as that car model is famous for its broken windows. And Secondly, with all the Credit card charges, everyone knows how aggressive a Credit Card guy can be.

2) Car to car assault
Action: Match the speed of the car side by side and release the spray.
Result: Unlike Star Trek where you can transport a crew member ship to ship while travelling at Warp, the same cannot be said when both of you are traveling side by side. If you're alone in the car, the spray is definitely going to flow back into the car. And if your passenger is doing it, the spray will still definitely be flowing back into the car. Learn and practise taking off the gas mask quickly when you see Police with MP5 machine guns manning surprise checkpoints.

3) Direct path assault
Action:Speed past the Road Hog and then throw the spray can onto its path.
Result: This is definitely not going to work. For one, their car will not trip, roll-over and then burst into flames just like the ones in the cartoons. Two, you'll be arrested for littering. And three, the can might trip over some chicken crossing the road which then immediately becomes roadkill. And you'll be suspected of fowling up the road.

4) Rear car assault
Action: Match the speed of the Road Hog and then speed past to release the spray.
Result: This is not easy especially if the Road Hog in question has wised up to your antics. In the end, one of you will definitely run out of road. Learn to throw the spray away before you crash as the implications are very obvious. Besides, cars are immune to pepper spray.

5) Condiment
Action: Spray onto your favourite food.
Result: Hospital 1, Idiot 0

Yes, for Rm27.90, you can protect yourself
from Robbers, Rapists and most importantly,
Road Hogs. Yes, due to the Economic crisis,
it is now cheaper to be on the offensive.

And just in case you cannot read English, "Road
Hogs" are not "Jalan Babi" but "Pemandu Samseng",
OK? In direct Malaysian Cantonese translation, it
means "Driver of three Sengs".

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