Oh, shit!

I am sure you have this experience sometime in your life. If you're lucky, you can count it with your hand. Otherwise, every morning is Hell for you and Heaven for NTPM* and the likes.

It was just like any other morning for me. And just a few steps out of Vee-Chai, the warning signs came on thick and fast. I was both happy and cursing at the same time. Happy because I have not had this experience since my childhood** and cursing because there were more than 100 steps to safety. And I have to make haste because these precious steps cannot be wasted. One misstep means a difference of a few centimetres.

So, I did my best brisk walk while making sure my butthole is tightly shut. But, Ladies and Gentlemen, as you would know by now, what goes in must come out. By now, with more than 30 steps and a staircase in my way, the chocolate is already wrenching the butt open. The little bugger is coming out bit by bit with every little step. And even if I do not want to walk, I can feel it inching out, like a snail. By this time, I realised that I was unconsciously trying to walk like a penguin.

A proud penguin to be exact. You know how a penguin walks, right? Same thing but this time, it leaned forward, to show its chest while the butt lags behind like a trailer being towed. And that was how I walked because its already halfway at the opening, there is no more space for you to stand upright. Because if you did, your butt muscles would have to work harder to support your back. Which also means going hard and squeeze the heck out of that chocolate. I am sure you have seen what closing tomb doors do to bad guys in the movies...

Once I cleared the stairs, I was overjoyed, its as if a thousand penguins flew off an iceberg (Of course penguins can't fly but you get my drift.). Yep, I suddenly realised that the chocolate I have made is dry. How did I know this? Because its hanging by my underpants and my butt feels dry. So, as I made my final steps to the seat, I was grateful that my pants were not loose. It would be very uncomfortable to feel part of your ex-body parts swinging like a pendulum.

Finally, the chocolate safely disposed off. The slush
came after. Thank goodness I do not have to go
back home for another pair

**Moral of the story: Force yourself to shit in the morning even if you have nothing down there**

* - Nibong Tebal Paper Mill, a company that makes a lot of tissue paper
** - The last incident a few years ago does not count because it was like a dhal waterfall.

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