How to make a lamp

Before I start, let me tell you, on the record, the title was supposed to be 'The 2-Ringgit lamp'. But after adding the price of the components up, it was more of 'How to build a lamp for under 50 ringgit'. Which is, well, very expensive. I could have stuck the the former title but then, I suck at shoplifting.

Its not easy to lift a whole building, let alone a shop. Trust me on this.

Anyway, here some steps on how to make your own nightlight.

1. Get some Electrical cables.
No, not wires. Electrical cables. There is a difference; Electrical cables just sound better than a... wire.

I stuffed some heavy gauge electrical wires (heh) into an aquarium oxygen tube.
Why? Because I can.
2. You need Plugs
Really. You need the plug because sticking the stripped ends of the cables into the wall power point is never a good idea since anyone can trip over it, touch the current and die. Or, a curious person will touch the wires and then die. Or, you trip over the cat in the dark of the night, which jumped and scratched the cables and you both die. So, it costs me RM3.50 to stop everyone from dying.

Sorry. No Earth for this one since the whole Light assembly is plastic.

3. You need a container or diffuser
Yes, you really need one because the stupid Philips 5W fluorescent light bulb is very bright at night. I know because I kept staring at it when I could not sleep. Nearly blinded me on that night too. You really need one in case you trip over the cat again or well, its a very good container for beers too.

RM2.10 and if you want a flimsy handle, it costs 10 sen more.
Cut a small notch for the cable to get through, OK?

4. You need a bulb holder.
Yes, you need a bulb holder because there is no way you can hold the lit bulb with your hands and still be alive at the same time. Get the one that has only two screws. This is the foolproof version and its very easy to figure it out. Just in case, here is the formula:

1 wire go to one screw terminal.
Next wire go to the other screw terminal.

So, this piece of plastic would cost you RM7.90 or so.
If you can find it cheap, hooray for you but I am not going to sneak out of the shopping complex just for a few ringgit difference.

5. You need tracing paper.

You really need it to diffuse the bulbs light. A 70GSM A4 would not cut it either. And no, you cannot use the stained pages from your Playboy magazine collection. Your own kids are already suffering from just being your kids and they do not need to be reminded as wankjob survivors.

So, tape the paper together, and cut a small hole which is the same size as the container

6. You need the Lightbulb
If by this stage you do not have a bulb, you'd better go and get one. Oh, and bookmark this post in case you need the instructions again. If you have a bulb, do examine it carefully. Anything that looks like those in the cartoon is a no-no as they're filament bulbs. You need to get those that looks like white twisted pretzels. If its brown and stinks, its broken. Go for the lowest wattage because not only would you keep the environmentalist from paying you a visit but also, the new lamp would not burn your whole place down. So, you need THE lightbulb and not A lightbulb.

Never ever get a bulb, especially those that are rated 300W Cool Daylight.
(OK, you can't get them because they do not exist.)

7. You need spacers
Yes, you need spacers although these fancy wancy environment friendly flourescent bubs are cool but some parts of it are actually hot. Not as in burning hot but hot as in, "If I topple this lamp over, I'll get some nice burnt holes in a few year's time" hot. So, find something that will make sure the bulb contraption does not touch the tracing paper or the water container's plastic.

So, I double-side taped some packagin foam on the bulb holder since I could not find any chocolate to eat.

8. You need ventilation
Honestly, the container feels hot after a few minutes and so, if you have learnt anything from Science, hot air rises. So, you would need to make a few holes on the top of the container or just one big hole. This is for ventilation but mind you, never ever do this to a Politician as although you're doing everyone a favour, you still go to jail.

OK, all done. After testing, I put it on the bedroom table.
There was no "OMG! Dad! You made something!" or anything from the Wife. Not even a fart.

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